26 May How to make all the difference (Day of the Divorced Child)

Today it is the day of the divorced child, a good day to put ourselves in the shoes of children with divorcing or divorced parents or children who are sensing that a divorce might be upcoming. Through my daughter’s stories of children in her class I became aware that children kept silent about the divorce and some actually kept it a secret. It became apparent to me how isolated a child can feel in their situation. Living under the assumption that they are the only ones going through this and maybe even feeling it is their fault his or her parents are getting divorced. I stimulated my daughter to show her friends that she is there for them and willing to listen. There are also books and programs like Kies https://kiesvoorhetkind.nl/ which provide a safe environment for children to connect and share their experience.

The parents can also make a big difference for their children by providing space for the children to love both their parents and be loved, to be loyal to both of them without choosing and by showing them they will take care of their own emotions and issues and will make good parenting agreements to provide the clear structure and space their children need. It can help if the parent can listen in a relaxed way to stories when the children return from staying with the other parent. To step back a little bit and observe yourself, to check if you are really operating out of this true wish to be the best parent or if you are reactive (to your ex, to your past, to your triggered emotions) is challenging and can be very confronting. But is not impossible.

All parents who come to our office want to be good parents. This is a primal wish and need of people who have put a child on the planet. They all voice that their number 1 priority is the welfare of the children and a good parenting plan. This, however, is not specific enough and needs to be explored and translated into real agreements and resolutions with yourself and each other to actually transform these beautiful words into a reality for the children. Off course this is all much easier said than done.

Divorce can be a very stressful and painful process, triggering old feelings of abandonments or not being good enough as well. It is not a luxury to have professional guidance of an experienced and involved mediator, collaborative team (lawyers and neutrals) to come to a good settlement of the divorce. Divorcing is a holistic process, in the sense that the entire outcome of this process will have a big impact on your further lives, so you are worth it and the children as well to have this guided in a good professional way.

Also to agree on a clause in the parenting plan to evaluate the plan once in a while or who to approach when you have a misunderstanding or a dispute, like a mediator or a parental coordinator. It is only reasonable to expect that there will be a few bumps on the road and to not be flabbergasted about it but be prepared by already have a person in place to help you straighten it out when necessary.

A mediator cannot change the past or the way your ex communicates, you can only change yourself, look at the dynamics and look at what you and your ex aka the other parent of your children has to offer to be the best team for the children even when you are apart.

It will make all the difference.

29 Jan Financial imbalance in relationships and why you need to talk about it

This podcast shines the light on a very interesting subject in relationships: financial imbalance. The podcast guides you in making a topic like this part of a dialogue to prevent resentment and letting it come in the way of the relationship itself instead of letting it build in to something bigger that will lead to bigger problems later in the relationship or separation.

In my practice I see people wanting to correct this imbalance later on or have discussions on who added what to the relationship and what is a fair division. 

This often becomes a source of conflict when people divorce. They want to retro actively adjust the balance to their idea of what is fair or what should have been. The outcome they seek is not always possible or even according to the law. If they cannot let go of the consequences of their choices  years ago this can impair a amicable divorce. 

So don’t wait till then. 

The point of power is when you are in a relationship and you notice the imbalance is starting to bother you.

Having an idea on shared values around money and clearity on how you both feel valued and not taken for granted are important to build a strong foundation for the future, especially when you will later on have /want to have children and income and resources might be even further apart due to a division in tasks. 

Also the suggestions on how and when to discuss these topics are very useful (with a soft start up and on a good moment). https://ceu89614.infusion-links.com/api/v1/click/4855020236963840/6483702364241920

Talking about money issues can be quit a thing. If you look for guidance as a couple I can guide you as a mediator in not only enter into a dialogue but also make agreements that will give you a frame work to deal with decisions like dividing the costs of the household and what to do when you are buying a house. I often work together with an estate planner to come to sustainable decisions that make more possible. 

For expats this can be even be more valuable as they are in a foreign country and not aware of the impact of multiple moves to several countries on their marital estate regime or of the Dutch law that might be or become applicable on their marital or partnership estate. 

14 Sep Benefits and deductions for expats

The Dutch Tax Authorities have published a checklist you can fill in to see what your situation is after the divorce fiscally. In the Netherlands there are a lot of special benefits (toeslagen) and deductions you can recieve as expat from the government based on your situation. Expats are sometimes not aware of the possibilities especially because the might earn to much to recieve the benefits. This can change when you separate and are not longer seen as fiscal partners. To make the best agreements for both of you, the fiscal aspect is very important. Therefore Frequently work together with a tax advisor/estate planner because this way a lot more possibilities can be created for your future.

https://www.belastingdienst.nl/wps/wcm/connect/nl/scheiden/content/checklist_scheiden

29 Oct Money talks

Money makes the world go round, but a good conversation about finances is passionately avoided by most loved ones and labelled as absolutely not romantic. This while being well informed about your husband’s financial situation significantly increases the chance of a successful marriage. The fact that you can literally get grey hair from financial problems and that they are an important source of marital problems and thus of a divorce, will not surprise most people.

But the fact that there is a correlation between the likelihood of you staying together and how well aware you are of your husband’s financial profile before marriage is something that is a lot less known and that the average person does not think about. By financial profile, I mean on the one hand the assets and debts of the partner and on the other hand how the partner deals with finances (paying bills on time, creditworthiness) and what his or her emotional and symbolic relationship is to money (generous or grumpy, fearful or trusting, afraid that there is not enough, trust that there will be enough, deriving status from it, feeling that you have not earned it, sloppy or excessive punctuality with money, what money stands for with the partner and what goals or dreams the partner wants to achieve with it).

A national survey in the United States found that 26% more of married couples than divorced couples had known what the income of their future spouse was. 36% more married couples had known about the student debt of their future spouse. And 30% more knew about their spouse’s payment history. Of the divorced couples, only 28% knew about the long-term financial goals of their former partner, while that was 60% for the couples who were still together. A significant difference. An important difference when you consider that money has a great symbolic value and stands for dreams, security, and success.

This research also revealed that just talking about money is not enough. The quality of the communication is more important than the frequency with which money is discussed. Many people forget that how you think about money and deal with it is an important part of your lifestyle and that this plays a major role in your financial compatibility as partners. 53% of the divorced couples stated that this had not been the case for them and that they had in fact been surprised by the poor creditworthiness of their partner, that he or she spent too much and did not pay bills. For example, it was not until the divorce that many found out that their future ex had a huge student debt (and these are quite substantial in the US). Although financial stress proved to be an important reason for the divorce, the divorce usually did not end the financial problems, and they only increased after the divorce. Often, the debts incurred by the ex before or during the marriage still have to be paid off for years, and especially women whose husband was the only breadwinner were less in good shape after the divorce. In addition, there were the costs of the divorce. The costs of fighting out the divorce in court were the highest. In short, whether you are financially compatible is therefore one of the most important pillars of a happy marriage. This also means that by engaging constructively with each other early in the relationship about money matters and knowing how you both feel about it and handle it, you can influence the success of your relationship and ensure that you do not blindly walk into the marriage with the beautiful idea of a white picket fence (without good marital conditions) with someone who will not get a mortgage due to his credit record. I always say, projection is not a connection.

However, many people find talking about money very confrontational and because “money” stands for so much and the subject is often so anchored in how you were raised, it is also quite challenging for many people to change how they deal with/relate to money. This, combined with the persistent image that talking about money would not be romantic, makes many people prefer to avoid a good conversation about it. Or only talk about it when there’s a fight about it. Talking about money is very intimate and can be very fun. After all, you will learn a lot about your loved one by asking questions about this. What are his or her dreams? What are the concerns? How was it handled at home in the past? Does that play a role now? What long-term goals do you want to achieve?

Of course, people often do not know exactly what the legal and fiscal situation is. Many people could use some help in understanding their own finances and those of their partner and in setting long-term goals. A conversation can go a lot more smoothly if you are guided by a professional coach. What do actually you want? And me? Do we really understand each other? Have we thought carefully about everything? Do you really want to enter into a joint financial future, but have you learned from your parents that the family assets may not be shared with your future partner?

The VvCP is mainly known for Collaborative Divorce. However, the aim of the association is not only to resolve conflicts with the method of collaborative practice but also to prevent them. The method can also be used very well to hold a pleasant and well-informed consultation together and, where necessary, to record agreements in all phases of the relationship. Not only when entering into a marriage, but also when children come along and when one person stops working, resulting in a loss of income and more dependence. For many people, living with your loved one and building a family is a great dream. For the biggest day of your life, people are willing to go big. At the important moments in your life, starting a conversation with good guidance and being challenged to think and discuss just a little deeper is just as important an investment. Perhaps even more important when you consider the results of the research cited in this blog.

10 Jul Let’s go back to the start

That it would be good if what changed in divorce-land was clear to everyone. However, a divorce is so much more than a legal thing; ending a marriage or settling marital conditions. It is an experience in a human life. A phase. If you see life with relationships and divorces as phases on the timeline, it also becomes clear that so much more could be done in the phase(s) before the divorce to make the divorce phase run differently and not just focus at the moment of the divorce itself.

People make choices and live their own lives. They buy a house. Have children. Raise them. All with relatively little government interference and without thinking about the law. In the event of a divorce, legal provisions and obligations are suddenly activated, and a judge will determine how much time you are allowed to spend with the children if you cannot agree yourselves. This means a loss of autonomy and self-determination, which could be prevented by contracting. By amending the legal provisions on partner alimony, the legislation is now trying to promote the economic independence of women. Why only encourage this at the finish line when large gaps have already occurred in CVs and perhaps the work process has never “really” begun? In addition, no major campaign has yet been launched to raise women’s awareness of this change in society and its consequences.

Experience shows that many people live without thinking about this to a large extent during their relationship and are then confronted with unexecuted periodic settlement clauses during the divorce, which have to be settled, and inheritances that were spent on fun family holidays that have to be reimbursed. In addition, people’s understanding of the other partner’s financial situation has been greatly diminished by all kinds of digital apps that need to be logged in to get an overview, of which often only one partner has the log in code. In the past, an investment overview used to land on the doormat, but that is no longer the case today.

The increasing number of self-employed persons means that the lack of financial insight has increased significantly, because no fixed wage is earned anymore. When they divorce, people face the fact that they absolutely do not know what they are entitled to or what they would need. And if a partner is not willing to provide financial insight, the chance of polarization increases.

By intervening in the phases of a relationship before the divorce phase, there is much to be gained. The lack of conscious choices about money, what it stands for and transparency towards each other in that area, means that people do not know where they stand when they divorce and reinterpret history purely on the basis of the agendas they have at that time.

People often state that they would like to make agreements about partner alimony and the children (in the marital conditions). However, it is the provisions on partner alimony and the children that are now considered null and void by the judge, while voices in the literature have long argued that contracting on such matters should be possible, provided that there is the right instruction. In the US, it is common for the ladies of the upper class to include a provision in the marital conditions that they will receive a bonus for the care of the children in order to compensate them against the unused but earned Ivy League degree. This does not mean that this is the solution, but it is an example of deliberate thinking and contracting in order to create a clear rule during the relationship that the parties perceive as fair. After all, a concrete promise formulated correctly creates a relationship and guarantees a certain outcome for the future.

Much attention has also been paid to the parental promise, before or after the birth of the child, but there is also the question of the extent to which such agreements are binding and enforceable. In its report, the Parental Review Committee did write a little about the way in which agreements in a more parental situation could be reached very carefully with review by the special trustee and the court before pregnancy. Shouldn’t such a thing be possible for all parents so that in the future there will be less litigation about parenthood and its structuring?

It would nevertheless be nice if partners made more conscious choices and dared to enter into dialogue with each other in a well-guided manner on matters such as money, power, independence and care. In love and not just in dispute. This is not about avoiding conflict but about guiding conflict so that people know what they have in common at a certain stage and what they can expect. It can be painful if it turns out that you have different expectations; if that is the case, you might be able to know that sooner rather than later. As divorce professionals, we have a good idea of the breaking points that can arise from the lack of proper discussion between partners about money and wealth, for example about stopping working to take care of the children, but was that the intention forever?

If I could dream freely for a while, it would be very nice in my opinion if people could have more autonomy and self-determination by making agreements for their future after the right guidance based on conscious choices and evaluating them regularly.

That is the power and magic of the word. Let’s go back to the start and make a difference there.

20 Mar Sustainable divorce – how do you do that?

I recently attended the theatre play/talk programme Goed Scheiden in the Stadsschouwburg in Amsterdam. One of the panel members (an adviser to the Supreme Court) responded to the repeated remark on that day that 80% of divorces are supposed to go “well”. He pointed out that for the determination of whether a divorce went well, too much focus was placed on the moment of divorce itself.

While (or perhaps) 80% of the divorces are regulated in his view, many of the problems only become apparent afterwards. He had the impression (at least that’s how I understood it) that sometimes people, out of fear, guilt and shame, made certain agreements that weren’t right, just to get rid of their ex and complete the divorce, and later took revenge after the divorce, a situation that manifested in proceedings about, among other things, custody, visitation and alimony.

How good a divorce is, therefore, cannot be determined on the basis of only one moment in time. Not only is the question of how many divorces are settled without procedures important but also what happens afterwards. Especially for the children. The consequences will be felt for a long time to come.

How the process of divorce is implemented or gone through, however, does affect what those consequences will be.

Sweeping all the problems under the rug and postponing all arguments until a later time does not contribute to a sustainable result. Overall, people do not experience a divorce as a pleasant experience, and it is only human that one tries to avoid an unpleasant experience or wants to get through it as quickly as possible. When emotions are added, such as fear of a partner, shame and guilt, people may be inclined to skip important steps in the process. Both emotionally and financially. Or do not stand up for themselves, the children, or things that are essential to them. The focus then lies on reaching the finish line as quickly as possible and completing the divorce.

Fairy tales have a flip side

The focus in the debate about how divorces could be better is currently strongly focused on the fact that we as a society should move away from the tournament model, in which the parties submit their disputes to the judge and let the judge sort it out. The tournament model is said to polarize too much and cause damage. However, only telling fairy tales has a flip side. People continue to suffer from the emotions that have not received sufficient attention, but on closer inspection the agreements made are very unjust once the fog has lifted.

Taking shortcuts to get to the finish line quickly and just giving up or giving in, or not standing up for yourself or for what you think is important for the children, is not necessarily the best achievable long-term result, even if at first sight there seems to be a good divorce because it is regulated.

It is clear that the debate on exactly what good divorce is and what is needed has not yet yielded any clear answers, and as a society we have not yet agreed on this.

What is clear, however, is that good assistance for both parties is of great value for a divorce with sustainable results. The parties need knowledge and a complete picture in order to make informed decisions and to feel that the agreements they have made are actually fair and reasonable. The parties need guidance and recognition of their emotions so that they can go through them and process them. And the parties need guidance from solicitors who want to commit themselves to a sustainable result.

In a collaborative divorce, all these pillars are offered for a good foundation. There is a neutral financial specialist who ensures transparency with regard to finances and who can think of constructive solutions. A coach ensures that emotions receive sufficient attention and are managed properly and each party receives legal advice and guidance aimed at a sustainable solution, without going to court.

Hopefully, more attention will be paid to the possibilities that collaborative divorce already offers.

21 Jan Blue monday

Today is Blue Monday, or Depression Monday, according to psychologist Cliff Arnall the most depressing day of the year, based on a formula that has since been strongly criticized. According to Arnall, people are supposed to be so depressed by failed good intentions and the days being so dark. Fortunately, the sun is shining today. According to scientific research, attorneys are supposed to be the most depressed target group, always focused on what could go wrong. It would thus not be at all surprising if the divorce attorneys among them, given the profession, would be at the peak of being depressed, but it is precisely in our profession that hope and trust are so important. A divorce is not something every girl dreams of when she is young, the way she dreams of perhaps her most beautiful day.

Yet a divorce can also give a very positive turn to your life or usher in a more positive period. Expectations and your own mind set play a very important role in this. That is not to say that it will be a walk in the park or a joke, but you can learn a lot about yourself and relationships through a divorce and take advantage of this when you start a new relationship or in other areas. Some people develop enormously during the divorce process, which does not mean that they do not experience sadness or challenges. Or exactly because of the sadness and the challenges they face. No pain, no gain. The quality of communication during the relationship can also make a big difference in how you interact with each other afterwards and how the children do in the new situation. So, think about talking to a family attorney before you get married, have children or consider divorcing. All important decision moments represent a moment when you can make a difference (for the future) with your choices, approach, attitude and commitment. The way in which the relationship ends and the process towards reaching that also make a difference. If, after a lot of effort and therapy, you and your partner have decided that you are better off continuing in a different situation, then there is more chance of mutual acceptance of the divorce. It can also feel better for yourself that you have given the other person and yourself a fair chance.

• Forms of constructive separation, such as collaborative divorce and mediation or consultation, can also contribute to a more bearable result. I myself am quite a fan of collaborative divorce because a coach is involved and a team is committed to achieving the best possible result in a transparent manner.
• Unfortunately, you do not always have a choice, and it can happen that the other person does not want that or does not respond constructively. You can never change the other person, but by investigating for yourself what you can do differently or how you can best respond, the dynamics can change, and you will at least grow.

So, there is always light in the darkness.

20 Sep Partir ce mourir un peu

Afscheid nemen is een beetje sterven zong Edith Piaf. Als mensen uit elkaar gaan doet dat pijn en verdriet.

Anders in de wedstrijd 

Iedereen is verschillend en gaat anders met een scheiding om. Wat het extra moeilijk maakt is dat bij een scheiding de ene partner vaak al veel verder is in dit proces dan de ander. Mensen denken altijd dat ze een scheiding zien aankomen, maar het komt voor dat de een wilt scheiden terwijl de ander dacht dat alles goed ging.

Wie is er het slachtoffer? 

Het gebeurt regelmatig dat degene die verlaten wordt zich het slachtoffer voelt en voelt en vindt dat die ander zijn/haar leven volledig heeft verwoest en daarbij geen enkel oog meer heeft voor wat de beweegredenen zijn geweest voor die ander om de relatie uiteindelijk te verbreken. Degene die de relatie verbreekt kan zich net zo goed slachtoffer voelen of al heel lang onvrede ervaren.

Roalercoaster 

Als de scheiding als een verrassing kwam of als iets waarvan je nooit had gedacht dat het kon gebeuren, terwijl de ander al langer in het proces zit en zich in een andere fase bevindt van verwerking, kan er een hele roalercoaster van gevoelens over je heen komen.

Je kunt:

• het gevoel hebben dat je al die tijd in een illusie hebt geleefd. De ander heeft tegen je gelogen. De relatie, de liefde, het was kennelijk allemaal niet echt.

• Het gevoel hebben dat je helemaal geen eerlijke kans hebt gekregen. De ander heeft nooit wat tegen je gezegd. De ander wilde niet in therapie. De ander had al een andere relatie. Het is sowieso niet eerlijk en zo ga je niet met elkaar om.

• gaan denken dat die ander opeens gek is geworden of een depressie heeft. Of een midlifecrisis (die is heel populair)  Er is immers voor de rest niets veranderd ten aanzien van het verleden in jou beleving.

• gaan denken dat die ander nooit echt van je heeft gehouden en zelfs niets om de kinderen/het gezin geeft.

• gaan denken dat die ander helemaal geen verdriet heeft en alleen maar zo snel mogelijk weg wil, alleen maar bezig is met het geld, nieuwe vriend ga zo maar door.

Een acceptatie van dat de relatie als dynamiek tussen twee mensen niet werkte is er dan (nog) niet. De verlatene begrijpt niet wat er is gebeurd en gaat invullen zonder na te vragen. Nu heeft diegene niet alleen je leven verwoest maar ook je vertrouwen en zelfvertrouwen.

Relatie niet goed afgesloten, wat dan?

Als de scheidingsmelding als donderslag bij heldere hemel kwam dan was er vaak al langer sprake van een slechte communicatie. Een gebrek aan goede communicatie gecombineerd met sterke emoties en wederzijdse gevoelens van slachtofferschap zorgt dat het conflictgehalte in rap tempo toeneemt.

Tel hierbij op een gebrek aan inzicht bij een, of beide partners in hun eigen aandeel in het geheel, problemen om duidelijk grenzen aan te geven, of die te respecteren, of de neiging om de schuld buiten jezelf te zoeken (Overigens vrij gangbare dingen om tegen te komen bij de gemiddelde mens) en je hebt een vrij giftige situatie waarin de voormalige geliefden elkaar over en weer gaan diskwalificeren en soms zelfs gaan demoniseren. Dikwijls ook in reactie op elkaar omdat mensen zich bedreigt gaan voelen doordat de ander hen diskwalificeert. Het raakt hen diep dat de ander hen opeens door deze negatieve bril ziet en ze zijn bang over wat voor consequenties hieraan verbonden zullen zijn. Zo kun je je bijvoorbeeld bedreigd gaan voelen in je ouderschap. Straks gaat je ex die verzinsels over waarom jij een ongeschikte partner was ook nog eens gebruiken om de kinderen bij je weg te houden.

Mijn ervaring is dat mensen hierdoor strategisch worden, zich gaan vasthouden aan de ergste gedachten die ze over elkaar hebben en de goede kanten van elkaar uit het oog verliezen.

Haat als overlevingsstrategie

Haat en boosheid kunnen ook een manier zijn om de pijn van het verlies of de angst niet te voelen of de acceptatie van het beëindigen van de relatie uit te stellen of te onderdrukken.

I imagine that one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, that they will be forced to deal with pain.

James Baldwin Notes of a Native Son 1955

Dit is voor de mensen die het meemaken zeer ingrijpend. Ook omdat al het goede wat ze samen hebben en hebben meegemaakt meegesleurd dreigt te worden in deze negatieve spiraal.

Wat kan de mediator betekenen?

Een mediator kan mensen uitleg geven over de fases waar ze door heen gaan. Het is uniek vreselijk wat ze meemaken maar niet een unieke dynamiek. Bij de meeste mensen die gaan scheiden is er sprake van in verschillende fases van het proces zitten en (tijdelijk) minder goed functionerende communicatie. Ook kan een mediator begeleiden bij het duidelijk doen van de scheidingsmelding, op een manier dat de ander het kan horen en vanuit je zelf in plaats van als diskwalificatie van de ander.

Dit kan troost bieden. En ook ruimte om te gaan kijken naar de goede kanten van elkaar. Als partners en als ouders. Laten we wel realistisch blijven, het gaat om een scheiding dus hiermee is niet opeens alles goed, maar het helpt om niet alles als slecht te zien van elkaar. Je maakt jezelf hier immers ook alleen maar bang mee omdat je jezelf laat geloven dat angst je alert zal houden. De meeste mensen zullen het echter niet als heel aangenaam en productief ervaren om vast te blijven zitten in de angst. Ze willen vooruit en in beweging blijven naar de toekomst toe. Als je in de angst zit krijg je ook niet veel gedaan en het put je uit.

De meest gehoorde opmerking is daarom dan ook dat men ermee klaar is en wil dat het snel is afgehandeld.

Familierecht mediator heeft kennis van zaken

Naast de emoties kan ook een gevoel van te weinig kennis van zaken hebben of van je rechten en plichten ook verlammend werken.

Dit is ook waar een familierecht mediator toegevoegde waarde heeft. Een familierecht mediator heeft juridische kennis en heeft als taak om de partners te begeleiden om goed geïnformeerde keuzes te maken.

Zo beschikt een familierecht mediator ook over een netwerk van andere professionals die met hun kennis kunnen bijdragen aan een zo volledig mogelijk beeld, zoals accountants, financiële adviseurs, orthopedagogen of kinderbehartigers. Ook komt het voor dat de partijen een advocaat willen raadplegen voor juridisch advies.

Ook is alles wat besproken wordt vertrouwelijk. Dit biedt een een veilige omgeving waarbinnen de partners zich vrij geïnformeerd en veilig kunnen voelen om goede afspraken te maken.

Het gevoel dat je zelf in staat bent om goede afspraken te maken met de ander is belangrijk voor mensen hun vertrouwen in de toekomst en zichzelf.

Zo komt er toch weer licht aan het einde van de tunnel en kunnen mensen weer door naar de nieuwe fase van hun leven.

13 Sep Under my umbrella

06 Sep Is a conflict always needed for mediation?